Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after I ask the magic 8-ball, I get a second opinion from the bobble-head..

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   - Why is it that if a guy proposes to a girl and she's refuses it's called 'wanting her freedom' and when a girl proposes to a guy and he refuses, it's called 'being scared of commitment'. =|

   After all these years of impotence, on my headstone I want it to read, "Stiff At Last"

   If Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, then explain waiting in line for 2 hrs for a 2 minute ride and the $5 sodas.

   I can think of atleast 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.

   I prefer to learn from someone elses mistakes.

   would like to congratulate the makers of her new facial cleanser for truth in advertising. They promised younger looking skin & they were right...I haven't had acne like this since high school.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.