Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   since camping spoons are white, are they still considered "silverware" or should they be called "whiteware" ?

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   Why can't we guys have simple, friendly conversations with women on Messenger without them immediately thinking we're in a relationship with them? Press 1 for pathetic.

   Too bad the Coronavirus doesn't act like elections. Mostly those who'll get it are in New York and California.

   My friend is terrible at geography...his grade is below C level

   Taylor Swift and Adele are basically the same age. Mind blown!

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some of that $h!+.

   A man drove past my house in a van painted: come to my van for free candy. Everyone thought he was dangerous, but I got my candy eventually.... the memories

   Labor pain: Is when the foreman on the job sight is watching you work.

   North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has a hydrogen bomb at breakfast, a submarine ballistic missile at lunch and has one of his uncles executed at dinner

   I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .

   everything that glitters is not gold and every wing isnt chicken

   making up for low grades with high calories

   If I want to give someone a bottle of Scope for Christmas.....Would that be rude

   I'm doing two count downs today. Liquor store to open & New Years! Don't dudge me.

   ts not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please

   Everybody! Fast! I need to see your Facebook film! Please share with me!

   I suck at creating endings in Essays.. "and they lived happily ever after" is over done, and apparently "seacreast out" is unacceptable.

   If you can't do this job drunk, ..... get out of the business !

   the traditional 15th anniversary gift is crystal, but my wife gave me wood.