Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but hey they’re right up there.

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the heck's the point man?

   Enough with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up” obviously never worked at the Biden White House.

   My dad always told me "Theres 4 kinds of people, Those who can count and those who cant"

   The woman at the tire store told me today to come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued, without even a hint of a smile on her face

   Got a call from a Telemarketer, he said he couldn't understand me. I TOLD HIM PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH AND HUNG UP

   Happy Mother's Day to my sister for having my kids......some Trump supporter maybe....

   Joe Biden will never get my guns because I keep them upstairs.

   Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

   I fall easier naked! Why can't the flight attendant understand that?

   This can't be the same 92° I used to run around outside in as a kid.

   Women drinking coffee. My three favorite things.

   Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

   Will Smith, I'm not impressed. Tupac would have shot him.

   Netflix set to air GI Jane, starring Jada and Will Smith.

   Will Smith told Chris Rock to keep his wife's name out of his GD mouth. (But her poosy would be okay.)

   I invited a friend over for dinner and made steaks for the two of us. She took a bite of hers and said, "I like it well done." So I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

   I was married for so long I almost forgot how to pick up fat chicks, then I remembered. It's a peice of cake!

   Tom Brady has over 600 touchdown passes in his career. Which works out to 420, when you adjust for inflation.