Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I didn't say I was going to Taiwan. I said I was going to 'tie one on'." -Nancy Pelosi

   Maaaaay The 4th Be With You

   wishes Jimmy Football was more like Billy Mays-DEAD!

   Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and WILL be used against you... So use your right to remain silent!

   She has a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   "Insult my wife one more time and I'll lick your other ball" - Ted Cruz

   *secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

   If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact. How I know this is unimportant.

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.

   Someone just told me to act my age.. I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o

   Look. If you've cornholed one chubby mama, you've cornholed them all.

   I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!

   Before there was Facebook and Twitter there was "As World Turns" and "The Days of Our Lives" for cusip.

   Kids, don't knock on my door saying 'trick or treat'. You better say 'chicken or beef' bcuz I'm handing out noodles.

   In order to reconnect with my conspiracy theory family, ,, I've joined 20 "flat-earth" groups on Facebook

   internet dating... ~ welcome to the future ~

   Ok browns fans, lets put the "laughter" back into "manslaughter"

   wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: I'm gonna try to become left handed