Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a great feature Facebook's has that helps you lower your fears is about the coronavirus you can find them to settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   Thanks for the post!

   List ten jobs. Nine should be jobs you have actually done. One should be a lie. Let's see if people can guess the fib! My list is below: 1. Waitress 2. Bartender 3. Video Store Clerk 4. Payroll Acct 5.Factory Line Worker 6. Auto Parts Manager 7. Chef 8.

   I am so tired of this virus I'm gonna ask my wife if that offer to smack me all the way into next year is still on the table.

   Wish facebook would stop showing me dating websites as, besides the fact Iv never felt the need to use one, I don't think this would be a stella time to go out and mingle with strangers.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.

   UBER: Oh, we're halfway there ME: Ok, good U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer M: What? U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand M: Oh god

   Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

   I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.