Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer Triamcinolone over Desitin for my abdominal fold rash.

   Why did I hate the Superbowl Halftime Show? It's exactly what you are thinking.

   I have a swimmer's body: A whale.

   I came so hard last night even Alexa had a smoke

   If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   Who in their right mind would actually eat secret document paper? Has to be a fat person.

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   Ever have Chef Boyardee Ravioli and a can of corn for dinner?

   I need to find a hobby that does not include my debit card.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER!

   My wife asked me if I knew what her favorite flower was. Apparently Gold Medal was the wrong answer.

   I can't seem to find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   The fact “gorilla” doesn't rhyme with “tortilla” really infuriates me.

   OK, OK! I can't take it anymore. I let the damn dogs out, all right?

   Being in a relationship means being able to solve problems together; problems you would not have if you were single.

   God does love gays, but only if they are tops.

   Trudeau is having his goons physically harm Canadians and steal their money, all in the name of protecting their health.

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all of your keys at the same time.