Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   Brady has decided to remail in Florida after retirement because of the low inflation there.

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   IDC WHAT ANYBODY SAYS, it will always be naturally funny whenever the song Promiscuous comes on in a grocery store...

   I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

   Hi, my name's Mike. Mike Unstinx.

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

   The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   I get nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

   The booster protects against what, now?

   Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

   Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   The weather is such a slut. The wind blows everyone, the rain makes everyone wet, the sun makes everyone take their clothes off, and the snow covers everyone in white stuff.