Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if roosters can start each day screaming, then damn it, so can I...

   I've been invited to a neighbour's house later for drinks with nibbles!...they treat that bloody cat like Royalty?

   Customer: "Sir, could you take a look at my car; it's making terrible noises." Mechanic: "Have you tried shutting off the Christian music?"

   America, we are out of toilet paper.

   ♫♪Yankee Doodle went to town...♫♪ Is Macaroni the feather, thehat, or the pony?

   Tithing - Money is the root to all evil ... enough said.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   thinks it's Hotter Outside then a Las Vegas Sidewalk on the Fourth of July!.."

   ready for No Shave November 2009. Join the Facebook Group!

   whispering sweet nothings in your boyfriends ear...as we speak

   How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on?

   Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? :)

   Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

   we know your from Michigan If you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 24 old ladies.

   If you're feeling down becausecoffee your dating life, just remember, Matt Gaetz didn't have a high-school date until he was 38-years old.

   Did the Colonel really call President Obama his son?? Why am I not surprised.........

   in a relationship with Kate Gosselin.

   your "sofa king we todd did"

   It’s Donald Duck’s birthday. Today Donald is 84... Donald wears a sailor hat and a sailor shirt and nothing else. When I go out like that, I get arrested.