Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the fine for not wearing a mask is $100 for the first time. Does anyone know where I can get a season pass?

   To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn't easy...

   Who in their right mind would actually eat secret document paper? Has to be a fat person.

   I think sweatshirts and sweatpants should be called something different. Who was the idiot that said, "hey, let's name this garment something that let's everyone know that it's purpose is to soak up bodily fluid!" That's DISGUSTING!!! Perspire attire?!?!?

   This status is brought to you by the makers of Fug detergent. If Duz won't do it and Rinso won't rinse it, Fug it.

   "Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" "Uh, the backstroke, Sir."

   I have a toothache. Sorta. Some chick with loose teeth was giving me skull and bit me. There's a bicuspid implanted in my c*ck.

   Daffy donald maked another gaffe. He cheers the faithful for "abolition of civil rights." Or did he ?

   I’m just here for the unsolicited parenting and relationship advice.

   I tried watching a hockey game last night. I was bored, so I opted for a little more excitement. I switched over to the Fireplace Channel on Netflix.

   EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   Ever fart so hard it makes your teeth chatter?......well this time her p ussy farted it made my teeth chatter too

   If you're over 50 and are whining that the bars are closed, you really should contact your doctor and get a brain scan.

   what a shock, old whiite guys complaining about the SB half time show

   Now Russia is accusing Russia of meddling in Russia's internal affairs, and is demanding Russia register as a foreign agent by Monday.

   You never know who your real friends are until you post something that is not funny.

   there's no I in TEAM but there's a ME in TEAM!!!

   I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!

   They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.