Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   9 more days till the beginning of the end.

   Do you work on computers , cause your D**k is Micro and soft .

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet. Funny 8 Insightful 0 WTF? 3 GTFO! 1

   Dod you know, Clinton's yoga emails are code for how she got Nickelback's ancestors together on the Titanic lifeboat.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?