Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wearing a bicycle helmet when driving tends to cause gaper delays.

   today is national "Repeat Game" Day...you can start with your boss :)

   Really questioning if I was arrested by a real cop, I had to rub my fingers on a newspaper and push em into a glob of silly putty.

   Why do I always want “that kind” of s*x when I know that it hurts you and that you hate it? Seems like you just answered your own question.

   Waiting for Adele to write the next chapter in my life ! Hurry Up times a wasting !

   Aside from Christmas, Easter is the best day to have Alzheimer's! You can hide your own eggs!

   Some of you are so antiquated in your thinking...that whenever I click on your timeline, I find myself in 2012. BC

   so So, my script is about a lactose-intolerant psychic lesbian spy with a penchant for cheese fries & loose women. -Awful movie pitches

   Do these throbbing jugulars, twitching temples & clenched jaws look 'calm' to you? Body language is key.

   If the world was really going to end wouldn't all the expiration dates be set for December 23rd or whatever day it is.

   Always remember the saying when you are hoping for the something that you feel is impossible to get.....where there is a will, there is a way...now....to find Will O_O

   What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?

   Pintervention: When an intervention is needed to drag your sig. other or friend off of Pintrest.

   Bored? Update your Facebook status to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met. (sex and/or age unimportant) If by chance they do confirm the affair, deny you ever sent the request and

   When they gonna get I'm shi#t faced parking stalls at wall mart...especially for the holiday season..???

   an OK meal...spaghetti O's & Special K

   If your neighbor invites you to come inside, please don't take it too literally. That's how you end up with a baby or in jail.

   while running full speed, that moment between life and death when someone pushes you past your speed limit

   New year resolution- nothing better to start the year than by making more rules to break over the year.

   Words are cheap... unless you use one of those 900 numbers... then they are normally about $2.99 a minute!