Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just spilled some water on my bed...boom, waterbed.

   honey, I gained some weight...now call me Mr. flintsone I can make your bed rock.

   it ok 2 break up wid a girl if she forcibly makes you watch one of dose stupid twilight movies???

   Ok...tryin to loose weight... I went to the doctor this mornin. He ask.. How's your diet? I said I've been eating apples, bananas, oranges . Then he asked... "have you seen a skinny gorilla," I said FU!!

   As promised to Obama, Indians are creating jobs for americans. First recruit is Pamela anderson in Big Boss Season 4 ( Paid whooping USD 10 M per day for 3 days)

   I saw the Dow plunged yesterday due to the debt in Greece.. So I thought to myself...Maybe the Greeks wouldn't be so broke if they would just stop having those big fat weddings...Just sayin..

   they put on $100 and still are proud to swipe their foodstamp why cant they get a job?

   when the river runs red, take the dirt road...

   So far this year, my hindsight is only 20/10.

   thinks the world should revolve around him since his dad calls him son.

   The best way to make people remember you?Borrow money from them.

   wanted a motorcycle when he left school, but his mother said no. She had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18..... So she said I could just have his.

   Rapey McForehead gave Trump one vote for Speaker of the House. Trump called the clerk and said, "I just need you to find me 217 more votes."

   i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

   The fact “gorilla” doesn't rhyme with “tortilla” really infuriates me.

   I Saw A White Boy In Walmart Looking Mad ....So I Left

   What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable ?? Gettin' her out of the wheelchair!!!

   in a relationship with Jack Daniels and his half brother Jack Hoff ♥ (its complicated)

   Baby monkey: mum, I wonder why we are so ugly. Monkey mum: thank God for our good looks, wait till you see who'se reading this.

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.