Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook went public, because even they couldn't figure out the Privacy Settings.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."

   Before you could say that the dog was the best friend of man ... But that was before Twitter !

   "I save money by purchasing really gay super small super tight t-shirts instead of Under Armour"

   S/o to all the pedophiles out nervously candy shopping for their big perverted day. Ol nasty asses

   90 percent of the pumpkins in America end up as Jack-o-Lantern's.

   Even though it looks as though JB cheated on me & may be someone's baby daddy, I'm still going to wear his scent and listen to his new Christmas album...while rocking myself back and forth in the corner of a vacant room w/ nothing but a bottle of Grey G

   just put your "Big Girl Panties" on and deal with it!!

   If your friends always ask you to take pictures, are they not also implying you're too damn ugly to be in those pictures?

   my "people you may know" is filled with douchebags who deleted me, oh no does this mean I'm the pretentious ahole?

   I disagree. Revenge is a dish best served so hot that it will burn your gizzards out.

   Whether the Heat loose or win tonight, I'm not drinking...... I dont care if you find that funny or not, but the Beer is laughing at me.

   Ass is best when it's kicked.

   The next time the hostess asks you respond "No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

   I hate it when random people calls me up and asks, "Did I call the right #?" ........"No buddy, you called the Left one!"

   All I ask of Thee, Lord, is to be a drinker and fornicator, an unbeliever and a sodomite and then to die.

   Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month To get up, get up, get up so cash your checks and get up Wakin' up feelin' buzzed off up early mornin' stretchin' I'm yawnin' lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome Instead I kick it wit

   Passover occurs at the same time as Holy Week which leads up to Easter. Them J3WS are always trying to ruin our fun.

   When girls are mad at you, there's a typo in every word 'cuz they texting so fast.