Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy "Morning After Pill" International Day!

   wondering what you would do for a klondike bar?

   thinks rescue workers are secretly happy when people who don't wear seatbelts are 'thrown clear' from the accident

   ...when the food you like doesn't like you. All these years to acquire a taste for the food I used to hate, now hates me.

   Best part of golf, Getting to wash your balls every hole.

   "It's suddenly hot in here!" "Sorry, Should I leave?!"

   Seventy minus one equals dinner for two.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?

   Facebook went public, because even they couldn't figure out the Privacy Settings.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life

   Like Johnny Cash, I walk the line. Mine's the one between "total slob" and "extreme hoarder."

   Before you could say that the dog was the best friend of man ... But that was before Twitter !

   "I save money by purchasing really gay super small super tight t-shirts instead of Under Armour"

   S/o to all the pedophiles out nervously candy shopping for their big perverted day. Ol nasty asses

   90 percent of the pumpkins in America end up as Jack-o-Lantern's.

   Even though it looks as though JB cheated on me & may be someone's baby daddy, I'm still going to wear his scent and listen to his new Christmas album...while rocking myself back and forth in the corner of a vacant room w/ nothing but a bottle of Grey G

   just put your "Big Girl Panties" on and deal with it!!

   If your friends always ask you to take pictures, are they not also implying you're too damn ugly to be in those pictures?

   my "people you may know" is filled with douchebags who deleted me, oh no does this mean I'm the pretentious ahole?

   I disagree. Revenge is a dish best served so hot that it will burn your gizzards out.