Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas is truly a magical time. It's made all my money disappear!

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

   Take my wife....... for example !!!

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!

   Young lady, what's your blood type? "Uh, fahv nine, paints on da groun....gold toofs...and his hands on his nut$!"

   An untalented gymnast walks into a bar....

   I still giggle when I get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as I am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

   I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   I order all my food with extra gluten.

   I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials

   Diet status: I spilled powdered sugar on an important document and licked it off.

   I can hear those folks stuck on that snowed-in, 55 mile stretch of I-95 in northern Virginia: "But we love the seasons!"

   I have pink eye. I got it from Floyd.

   Do actual ladies exist anymore, or is it all just washed up man Ioathing bar sIut bimbos flipping the bird in their profile pics?

   When a double agent goes rogue. At long last looks like Trump has turned on his Russian handlers.

   Some girls will be asking questions like...."can you die for me?" As if the death of Jesus Christ was not enough.

   Today is the Navy's and Tiffany Trump's birthday. Guess which one Trump only acknowledged? The wrong answer is Tiffany.