Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time my woman sends me to the grocery store to pick up a cucumber, I always buy a jar of Vaseline, so people don't think I'm a vegan .

   God please let me find $80,000 on the floor today

   I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

   Claustrophobic : A person afraid of Santa Claus

   hitting you one more time baby.

   last night this guy c ummed in his pants when we were just making out.. Epic fail

   Dear Televised Sports Injury, We saw it the first time. Thanks.

   I got to face the facts. My orange loser will never darken the doors of the white house ever again. Not even as a tourist.

   Christmas is truly a magical time. It's made all my money disappear!

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

   Take my wife....... for example !!!

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable

   Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!

   Young lady, what's your blood type? "Uh, fahv nine, paints on da groun....gold toofs...and his hands on his nut$!"

   An untalented gymnast walks into a bar....

   I still giggle when I get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as I am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

   I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.

   It turns out Donna Summers lied, She Wont Survive....

   I order all my food with extra gluten.