Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because shes your girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't someone else's ho.

   Thanks for accepting my, "Friends? We don't even qualify as acquaintances." request.

   I think I just seen my breath outside and I ain't blowing smoke...

   Tesco - It's the little things that make Christmas. Yeah, Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.

   If you say "Reddddddd Robin" Siri says "Yum!"

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm a dingo, I ate your baby

   I brought a salt shaker to a gun fight; to add salt to injuries.

   I was at a constuction site last week where all the contactors were Lesbians. There were no studs and everything was tongue and

   No offence but, Jesus was an underpaid carpenter before he decided to become a full-time messiah.

   You used to be able to somewhat cross the line. Nowadays, you can't come anywhere near the line. You used to be able to somewhat push the envelope. Nowadays you'd better pull back the envelope.

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   Im going to get a tattoo of my face on my back just so I could see who stabs me in the back..

   so broke that if I had to pay a nickel to take a $h1t, I'd have to throw up.

   should be a store without greasy, mcdonalds eating, welfare collecting ppl...We can call it "Smallmart"

   I've always disliked the IRS, but now I wonder if I've had them all wrong. They sent me a letter stating that they were going to start garnishing my wages at the beginning of the year. That is so thoughtful. Wonder what they'll use....paprika, parsley, ch

   hinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday ..

   you make me look like I need another drink

   REMEMBER IN FAT AND SLIM: F - STANDS FOR FOOD AND S - FOR STARVATION