Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone who has a hard time keeping up with technology has added you on Google+

   Dear Curiosity, Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   Jail, I mean school. Sorry, I can't tell the difference

   there an instrument called the didgeridon't? Because there should be.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!

   Sometimes we realize things to late. When you have a baby you realize you shouldn't have raw dogged it. When you lose that special someone you realize what went wrong. After last night I realized I'm never drinking again

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   pride comes before it falls....

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   CNN is reporting that the man who attacked and ate the others mans face was cause by cannibals and not bath salts. That's like saying being a vegan will give you diabetes

   Water follows the path of least resistance. So I guess when an Asian sweats it just looks like a waterfall

   Re: Back to the Future. Who is this Scott, and why is he "great?"

   Shout out to all the fat people that are hungry for success.

   never on schedule because I don't live my life by the times others sets.

   this morning Bieber was on the Today show doing a concert in the rain...does that kid ever wear his rain coat?...sure would have prevented that pregnancy

   If Black Friday involved gunplay, I would have been up hours ago. And turned one on myself.

   Here's a lil tip guys...don't ask your wife or GF "what kind of cake are you making me for bosses day?" Happy Bosses Day

   My Friend blames my Immaturity for getting him arrested! I'm not Immature! Hehe, Don't Drop the Soap!

   The secret to life for me plain and simple...is to not die.