Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know when Boy Scout cookies go on sale? Thanks.

   Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night on Saturday does not prevent Sunday. There is no cure.

   im gassy while watching the news... imma go occupy the toilet

   with out me awesome would just be awes

   I like my beaver how I like my chicken...free range.

   My motto : Dumb is a five letter word.

   Just figured a way people with no healthcare insurance but do have car insurance can enjoy the same benefits .... Whenever your sick....just crash your bike ...car or truck into a tree

   Money is not the root of all evil. It is the root of all KINDS of evil.

   hoping that Kevin Love Rudy Gay and Ramon Sessions end up in a picture side by side in full uniform. three words....GAY LOVE SESSIONS

   Nothing is worse than biting into a hot pocket than when your two front teeth slice through a gritty frozen meat ball.

   Hot enough for ya?!  ( YES )  ( NO )  (touch screen to answer!!!)

   I forced a hot dog into my mouth... and now I have an erection.

   Well I guess this the recent news about Jared might put a whole new meaning to "six inch sub" instead of Footlong

   Tiger may be a cheetah, but he ain't lion.

   I just saw one of my friends on Facebook post a status like. MY DAUGHTER MUST BE SO POPULAR I HEAR PHONE VIBRATING ALL NIGHT.. A okkkk its not a phoneee

   I always polish off a box of Oreos at the Dentists' office right before a cleaning. My last bill was, $2400.00.

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm should bring Charlie Sheen's mind back.

   I don't sleep with every woman I meat. Usually, I wait for them to leave before I call it a night...

   Don't take a good woman for granite.... trade something else for her...Granites expensive!!!!!!

   Don't you hate it when you see a kid picking her nose in public and her Mom , who is aware, thinks it's “cute”. Makes me want to say “Eat it. It's finger licking good.”