Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hoping that Kevin Love Rudy Gay and Ramon Sessions end up in a picture side by side in full uniform. three words....GAY LOVE SESSIONS

   Nothing is worse than biting into a hot pocket than when your two front teeth slice through a gritty frozen meat ball.

   Hot enough for ya?!  ( YES )  ( NO )  (touch screen to answer!!!)

   I forced a hot dog into my mouth... and now I have an erection.

   Well I guess this the recent news about Jared might put a whole new meaning to "six inch sub" instead of Footlong

   Tiger may be a cheetah, but he ain't lion.

   I just saw one of my friends on Facebook post a status like. MY DAUGHTER MUST BE SO POPULAR I HEAR PHONE VIBRATING ALL NIGHT.. A okkkk its not a phoneee

   I always polish off a box of Oreos at the Dentists' office right before a cleaning. My last bill was, $2400.00.

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm should bring Charlie Sheen's mind back.

   I don't sleep with every woman I meat. Usually, I wait for them to leave before I call it a night...

   Don't take a good woman for granite.... trade something else for her...Granites expensive!!!!!!

   Don't you hate it when you see a kid picking her nose in public and her Mom , who is aware, thinks it's “cute”. Makes me want to say “Eat it. It's finger licking good.”

   Well, I guess we now know the grim reaper is a mexican, him coming over here and taking our Jobs. :/

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   why arent orphans good at baseball? They don't know where home is.

   i think schools should start teaching chinese and punjabi,since thats the only people that work at tim hortons!

   A strip club inside Starbucks - Starbutts.

   "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine."

   If I superglued WD-40, what would happen

   hears BP is using a huge upside down funnel in the Gulf of Mexico; suddenly I'm having a deja vu/flashback of the beach I used to visit in the Gulf of Mexico, the funnel, and how I was upside down...