Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   flying without wings... after discovering beans and onion together~

   If uve ever noticed this notice you will probably notice that this notice was not worth noticing.......:P

   You are so pathetic that Tom wont even be friends with you on myspace.

   I've been thinking about walking away from everything and becoming an annoying J3W.

   says looks like Phil won't be seeing anymore of his shadow anymore....PHILip Seymour Hoffman that is.

   If I put bricks on top of my oven... Is that considered "Brick Oven Pizza?"

   Doc: I have good news and bad news. Me: Bad news first Doc: The bad news is you're dying. Me: And the good news? Doc: The wifi is back up.

   I need to work on my texting. I text a girl C- U- N- T....... I meant..." see you next Thursday" and now she is not speaking to me.

   Derek Jeter sent a gift basket to Adam Wainwright's room last night.

   Prince's greatest hits now under twenty quid, so tonight I'm going to party like it's £19.99.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts

   Word of the Day: Ammosexual - A Liberal who believes in the Second Amendment

   OK WHERE CAN I EAT AT AND NOT PISS EVERYBODY OFF?

   Today is thanksgiving day tomorrow is toilet blow out day!!!

   The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it...

   Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?

   it a bad thing that Siri does not recognize my voice unless I have food in my mouth?

   Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!

   The expression "don;t leave me hanging here" was coined by Jesus of Nazareth on this day over 2000 years ago.