Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have 1,635 pictures on my phone of me and all my friends. Just kidding they're memes I stole from the coments

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   When my wife asks the dog ,Who's the good boy.. I secretly wish that she says DADDY'S THE GOOD BOY.. ....but she never does

   Sweat pants are only ok for 2 reasons. Thanksgiving and strip clubs

   It has been 24hours since I downloaded BBM on my android phone and still not a single woman has hit on me yet. I thought BBM is where all the sluts are at.

   A Relationship is like poker, if you don't have a partner you better have a good hand.

   Jehovah's witness evangelizing to a Chinese guy. Jehovah's witness - Asks " Do you know Jesus?" Chinese Guy - Answers "No, but ifi you gifi sample I make for u!"

   Its so cold I had to rub two ice cubes together to start a fire

   Caroline Kennedy has been appointed as the new U.S. Ambassador to Japan. You'd think after all these years we'd stop trying to avenge Pearl Harbor.

   Oscars so white, Xbox Live wont let them be a player BLACK ops

   I made my own wine so I should have to pay less - Jesus, when the bill came at the last supper, probably

   I just found out that doves don’t even have tear ducts. Now … I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.

   the motion detector in my bedroom is turned on and it never goes off.

   Am I the only one that finds these new old spice commercials god damn annoying?

   this is lame as f***

   My legs are so white they signed their kids up for way too many extra-curricular activities.

   I bet a spider has a great "web sight"!!

   Anyone care to discuss Noblium....No??

   tis the month of graduations... and they STILL refuse to take my Star Wars graduation theme idea. Jedi robes instead of gowns, lightsabers... and I would LOVE to attend a Chewbaccalaureate service!

   You lost me at I had a yeast infection last week. Then I thought well she could make me a sandwhich