Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   Ur not a gangster just cuz you spent money gettin sleeved up at the shop homeboy... And neither am I!!!!

   looking forward to being embarrassed tomorrow...

   classified ad in newfoundland newspaper: for sale one large living room window, only looked through twice.

   I'll try and not get stopped at the Airport this year with a Batman Knuckle Duster in the case.

   Don't download the new Helen Keller ringtone. The volume on my phone was all the way up and I still missed 7 calls yesterday.

   So Last night.. The pizza man left my house and asked me for a tip.. I told him "Don't Trust These Hoes"

   If you thought the waitress gave you excellent service, is a 20% tip appropriate? How about a slap on the ass?

   If fireworks are illegal in your neighborhood, just pick up a couple burritos from Taco bell and wait a little bit...

   "I have never regretted my silence. As for my speech, I have regretted it over and over again."- Umar Ibn Al-Khattab

   Serta has an icomfort mattress trying to emulate ipad, ipod imac. What's with adding an I that makes a mattress better. It doesn't, icall that a bunch of bull$hit. . .

   Stoner dudette, those were days ago

   Star Wars is out Bar Scene is dead Thanks a lot Harrison Ford.

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into positive by consuming excessive amounts of chocolate.

   My thigh gap brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "standing with your feet 5 feet apart isn't a thigh gap."

   Luis Suarez has signed with barcelona for 70 million euros...that's a big bite out of the team's budget!

   "We look down on other fish fingers" - A Birds Eye view.

   convinced I may be a vampire; a steak through the heart would probably kill me.

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink