Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know you're too fat when the underwear company renames your size as udderwear

   You're telling me things I want to hear, but you're not showing me the things I want to see. - said the golddigger

   I need a new belt but hate shopping. Time to become a boxer.

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Who really has nothing but socks in their sock drawer?

   true friends tell you when you have a boogie chillin

   Shoutout to the girls that got that good rooster neck

   Note to self for when I'm ready to take over the world: Kiwi and corn in the same day turns a cute baby into a deadly environmental disaster.

   Remember the days when the best way to sharpen your robbing and murdering skills was to get yourself involved in Texas cheerleading?

   wondering if I'll still be able to get funny updates for my facebook on Jan.18th once the SOPA bill takes effect. Wait, will I even have a Facebook??!?

   can't make it rain cause, my coupons might drown me! xD

   She just kept b!tching about me drinking to much beer, so I said I could deal with this hangover better if you would shut the f^ck up.

   I lost my watch.. cant remember when!...

   misery is God's way of letting you know your on track!

   Kim Kardashian just filed for divorce. She must not be aware that I'm in a serious relationship. I'll have to let her down easy

   When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.

   Biggest lie a celebrity says: “I would date a fan”

   Dude don't tell me what's off limits!,It's not like I got your sister pregnant!!

   I was talkin about Muslins today, my coworkers are confused about the terrorist threats of ugly fabric.....my bad

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.