Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember the days when the best way to sharpen your robbing and murdering skills was to get yourself involved in Texas cheerleading?

   wondering if I'll still be able to get funny updates for my facebook on Jan.18th once the SOPA bill takes effect. Wait, will I even have a Facebook??!?

   can't make it rain cause, my coupons might drown me! xD

   She just kept b!tching about me drinking to much beer, so I said I could deal with this hangover better if you would shut the f^ck up.

   I lost my watch.. cant remember when!...

   misery is God's way of letting you know your on track!

   Kim Kardashian just filed for divorce. She must not be aware that I'm in a serious relationship. I'll have to let her down easy

   When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.

   Biggest lie a celebrity says: “I would date a fan”

   Dude don't tell me what's off limits!,It's not like I got your sister pregnant!!

   I was talkin about Muslins today, my coworkers are confused about the terrorist threats of ugly fabric.....my bad

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.

   This ugly person told me "I need my beauty sleep" I was think they really need to hibernate

   But in other news.... Etchy Sketches Stocks Went up ever since Romney's spokesman said He'll have to go back to the drawing board.

   CheapEasyFast is for Traffic School not your women

   Apparently women who go off the pill may become less attractive to their significant other. Who knew the pill was like beer goggles.

   Come on everybody! Let's go to the beach today!

   theres not many things funnier than a tranny in transition tryin to look all fancy with a crappy wig

   Happy Friday dance ‎(((( ( • why • ) )))) shake'em

   Just seen on CNN that Godzilla throwed up all over the philippines