Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark

   my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.

   There is a new singing comedian sex offender ... His name is Bing Cosby

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   RIP Gene Wilder, everyone loved Willy Wonka, the only movie most people think you ever did....

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   Whenever Kids Says Mummy I Love, Just Say Start Talking Because They Need Something

   I love to change the world but I don't know what to do, so I leave it up to you to wear a mask. Ten Years After,

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   There's definitely a psychosis attached to being overweight. All f@t chicks are weird.

   My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

   I'm not an alcoholic I'm just always down to drink. Huge difference 😭

   bert: I want a divorce wife: are u… bert: don’t wife: *holding in laughter* are you sherbert?