Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   farting in a bottle and capping it so I can smell it again next week....

   Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeaaaa... LMFAO :D

   I bought my dog a cell phone today. It was a good deal. He gets free rollover minutes.

   Rich people can get away with it......Not Section 8.

   Just saw a pic of some light skinned black girls in thongs titled "Red Tails".

   a good night is when you hug Ur teddy ;a horror night I when the teddy hugs you back

   such a drunk I just took the Wine out of Amys house.

   Bless me father for I have sinned, my last confession was over 3 years- oh damn the roof is caving in HELLLPPPPP!"

   This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel.

   Just caught out my Liver by drinking Water .... !

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Muah" Good morning ugly ladies "Handshakes"

   Watched the show Ax men for the first time today, and was shocked when it wasn't about black men.

   Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes

   What does Whitney Houston and Madonna and me have in common ... All of us didn't sing at the Super Bowl this year .

   before I pee in a public washroom, I try to erect just incase the dude beside me looks over so he will know never to look over again

   I think the tin man needs to back to see the wizard ,,what good is a heart sure he can love Dorothy but he has no willy..

   Things women find attractive: A man who leaves the room to pass gas so she wont feel tortured.

   My "host" friend called me fat and immature tonight. I didn't agree so I took a poo in her cats litter box.

   The phases of a Relationship: 1. ;-) 2. :-* 3. XOXO 4. XXX 5. EX