Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man, it was so HOT today, Instagram stop working!.....

   Got asked by this girl today if I wanted to make a sex tape with her. I told her yeah but we'd have to do it in infrared since nightvision was taken. I'll be in Hollywood in no time!

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap the explosives

   Pregnancy...when the belly starts to show...the tiddays start to grow.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary, then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is! Tune in for results.

   Your ass is like a door knob everyone gets a turn

   Guys with great penmanship probably jack-off to other men with that fancy writing hand of theirs.

   Whenever "your" is used instead of "you're," a puppy is beaten,

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is the kind of guy that removes the vowels from FEMALE for you... dump him!

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   It really sucks when everyone likes your status except the one person you wish who liked it

   People who buy real Christmas Trees the day after Thanksgiving need some serious help...And if you have your tree up already...You should probably seek medical attention..

   funny how the smell of a fart can remind you of the meals you've consumed for the day

   Its that time of the year again, the baithing suit pictures flood our news feed. If I wanted to see all those breats' and thighs, I'd just go to KFC!

   Elvis has left the building.

   It's Raining Men! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Men! Hey, hey!!!- Wait, nope it's just raining.....figures!

   wishes they all could be California girls.

   You may have DIALOG or MOBITEL connection, but when you sneeze, all you say is "HUTCH"

   born under a bad sign with a blue moon in my eyes

   Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd. It was created by writer Dan O'Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld