Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

   Every trip to Wal-Mart results in me seeing an equal number of people I THOUGHT were dead and I WISH were dead.

   You can fix everyone's problems, but when it comes to you, you're lost.

   Anything worth doing at all, is worth doing right.

   Yo momma is so buff, I let her dry my car off.And may I add; her work ethic is impeccable!

   over Super Models, New Niche, Lingerie models

   Soul Train? I don't think this means what you think it means!

   Where are my beads?? I guess I'm only giving "Pearl Necklaces" this year!!

   So many ugly watches, not enough time!

   King Kong has everything on me!

   I have a telescope in the peep hole of my door, so I can see who's at my door for 2 miles…..who is it???? Who's it gonna be when you get here….:)

   facebook is for fun and entertainment and I Don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun :)~

   doctors finally figured out whats wrong with peoples brains; on the left side, there's nothing right; and on the right side, there's nothing left…

   "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" is a fancy way of saying "You look hot!"

   That moment when customers at CVS see that all the toys are dancing and singing & I'm the only one standing in the aisle. I like to push all the buttons.

   read a status today which read "OMG I might miss my flight which is due in an hour!" As long as your priorities are straight mate...and you could waste yet more time just to let us know that on facebook! Thanks I can die happy I guess..

   I'm just wondering where you keeping the money you are going to pay me''

   Bradley Cooper is has been chosen as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. Maybe next year I'll make it out of the final round...

   at the DMV....I guess there on the honor system...I'm 3 inches taller and I just lost 65lb's.

   When you were younger and you would close your eyes to rinse the shampoo and that feeling like something was going to get you