Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Michelle Obama's motorcade escorts injured in Ohio Crash- Yahoo News Headline... Yahoo Dude!! You really need to work hard- CNN.

   Just saw somebody in the third row pull out their flip phone at the State of the Union address. You know we are in trouble.

   I don't know much about the history of war, but Iwo Jima taught me one thing. those flags were really heavy back then.

   "I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here sweatin my balls off for all this beauty."

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   Taylor Swift: Relationships Are Like Traffic Lights … Maybe I’ll Be Single Forever.

   just woke up, stepped outside took a deep breath, smiled, and waved at all the neighbors...then realized I'm ONLY wearing my pink slippers!

   Latin is like zombies. They're both technically dead but still influencing society.

   Sluts are like Gary; they only like you for the cookie in your pants.

   "See I don't understand me...My plan is to win your heart before I win the GRAMMY". :D

   a lot of the ladies at the office have choose to dress Slutty for International Women's Day...that's what I believed anyway.

   I betshe gives great helmet.

   Glad to see Walmart is holding it's March Madness sale...too bad it's on teeth & everyone is down to their final four.

   if I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was right, I could get it changed into pennies & swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Fuzzy navel is supposed to describe a drink, not your dates belly

   remembers when pink slime was something seen on Nickelodeon

   I feel so threaten by the news anchors....Now that they all starting to where Hoodies to report the news.

   Being a Care Bear must be exhausting. How can anything care so much about everything? It's not possible!

   Some people don't always get asked out on a date. But when they do, it's usually on April 1st.