Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.