Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   Teacher: “Today we will be talking about depressed people who share jokes all day as a coping mechanism.”

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.