Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating

Search Messages:
Page: 6 of 6373

   messageicon “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 13:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!
←Rate | 06-20-2022 03:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 23:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.
←Rate | 06-19-2022 02:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 02:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.
←Rate | 06-21-2022 22:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
←Rate | 07-23-2022 23:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 14:40 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left