Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.
←Rate | 04-22-2022 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 01:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”
←Rate | 07-01-2022 01:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.
←Rate | 06-19-2022 02:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.
←Rate | 04-20-2022 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.
←Rate | 04-22-2022 23:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.
←Rate | 07-08-2022 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  

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