Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   The bad thing about political jokes is sometimes they get elected. . .

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

   The CDC just announced that you can stop wearing socks with your sandals.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.