Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things Men Think: Wedding plans take care of themselves.

   Save water, Shower with a friend.

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   I need to stop reading into things like the song "You're So Vain", probably isn't about me and just becuase she thinks you're funny doesn't mean anything but that.

   Have a headache take medicine, side effects- drowsiness, hunger, loss of family and baldness up to three months,

   worried that Santa won't bring any gifts for dirty minded people. I'm screwed. Haha, screwed.

   Twenty two seconds ago I wanted to punch you in the face...stupid commercial.

   It takes 2 to tangle- Headphones!

   I don't always drink milk but when I do I prefer Dos Chi Chis

   I guess in the shower Steven Tyler doesnt know how to "walk This Way: without falling down

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war.

   Found someone's soft contact lens in my car. Let me know if you lost one. It might also be a raisin.

   Bad Opening Day for the Red Sox. They lose, even after Ortiz hits a Sac-Fly in the ninth......Heck, I didn't even know flies had sacs.

   Uhhhhh, drink kickin in I'm stimulated.. For those that don't know big words, I'M F**KIN FADED!

   Does anyone have a cell phone charger with 1.21 Gigawatts of power? I got an email from 5 days in the future and think my phone maybe a Time machine...Smart phone indeed.

   Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.

   I think they should leagalize p0t for teachers.. Think about it.. It eliminates them drinkin on the job.. It would make classes a lot more interesting, and people may actually wana stay in school.

   Just saw 50/50 and now my lower back hurts............. I'm scared

   wanna hear the best pick up line? *unrolls duct tape*