Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The temptations of Facebook are like a boomerang. You throw it as far as you can, but it comes right back to you.

   not a performance , and is not here for personal entertainment or enlightenment !

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   We sympathize with, but must reject any articles on how to quickly turn a candy cane into a shiv at stressful family gatherings.

   About half of you, I don't get ...and the other half, I don't care to.

   Why does facebook want me to be anti-social? Every time I get on it automatically signs me into chat as "offline"

   im ont a big fan of twilight but it does help the ego hearing the ladies say how sexy they think Edward is

   Thought for the day . The most important letter in the world is U

   The Mystery Machine gang were the first Ghost Hunters to debunk ghosts..

   Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand. Sex is best learned by doing.

   "touch wood", not everything I say is misunderstood for a sexual euphemism!

   I became the employee of the month at Pizza Hut just by flirting. So... You like breadsticks?

   The book "Women For Dummies" would have a picture of my Ex on it.

   there any slight chance to spend a night out without getting the brute hangoverin the morning?!- sign a dieing man

   Happy Hump Day and Leap Day! A word of caution: try not to do both at once I dunno for sure but it may be dangerous. You could try humping then leaping or leaping then humping? Either way just be safe.

   I can see it now... New season of Teen Mom special edition featuring snooki

   We're all adults here, you can say "p0rn" instead of "late night commercial"

   people are so stupid now a days....I am now describing myself as having uncommon sense

   Thinking about standing outside "Magic Mike" showings with sign that reads, "Displaced Exotic Dancer: Homeless" early retirement, here I come!

   Let's pretend to be who we really are