Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, did you have a good time last night? It was Smurf-tacular! Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. As we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. Shut the Smurf up! Yeah! Right in the Smurfing parking lot? Smurf-Yeah! Oh! That is freaking Smurf

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.

   Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

   gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night.

   looking for a sports channel that shows the football world cup.,, all is see is soccer match!?

   This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog. (^_*)

   It's sad but Stevie Wonder's gotten so heavy he can't see his d*ck anymore.

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call it a Porta-Potty and not a Handi-Crapper?

   A friend with weed is a friend in need of rehab.

   How much cocaine do I give a baby to make it stop crying? (Don't judge, its not my baby,

   Four people on Google give a restaurant a bad review so you won't eat there. But millions of people report bad side effects from a vaccination and you keep going back for boosters. And bringing your kids.

   I actually saw some video of where I was when I went to Haiti and the sad thing was not much had changed.

   If this rotting pumpkin of a man said or did any of this to your wife, mother, daughter you'd do all you could to stop him, right? #Vote

   phoning a friend

   According to the latest news coming out of Martha's Vineyard, Obama is blaming Bush for the 5.9 magnitude earthquake in Mineral, VA!!!

   My girl said someone is trying to get into the house, should I call 911 ? I said no call 811. Why? Cause you always call miss Dig before digging a hole!

   My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

   My yogurt just moved. Would that be Paranormal Activia.

   "Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm not." - WOMEN