Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was once bitten by a rattlesnake. After three days of painful suffering and writhing in agony it finally died.

   I didn't get the memo. When do we start hating on Stone Cold Steve Austin, since he gave the Stone Cold Stunner to our lord and savior, Trump?

   It's not easy being orange.

   Girl who pushed friend off bridge Is charged after new footage emerges. This would have been prevented if the victim had a gun.

   Just read that Bill Belichick talked to the Red Sox today. Topic must have been: How to lose to New York.

   Well it's here again..Belly Button week on FB, post a pic of your belly button as your profile...remember, no matter if it's an "inny" or an "outie", lint is welcomed!!

   DC Comics announces Batman will be coming out of the closet to reveal himself as a homosexual. I'm not surprised, with as much time the boy wonder spent in his cave.

   i saw on the news that miami police shot a naked guy chewing on another guys face... there is no joke here. I thought that in its self was funny.

   Have you ever wanted to tell some one "Maybe you should eat some make-up so you can be pretty on the inside?"

   My girlfriend doesn't like it when I talk about her weight, she thinks it's a heavy subject

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.

   What do women and A 10 Pin bowling ball have in common .??

   They should rename Bass Pro Shop to, Fat, bald white man store, thats all you ever see when you walk in

   have you humped or got humped yet today?

   Sorry Toby Keith. If they ever come out with a "Mossy Oak" design, your song about the "red" Solo cup is screwed!!!

   went to a bar thought I wouldnt see anybody I know cause I never go there, and there it is bunch of alcaholic I know.