Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...

   S.K.O.O.P.= Something Kooky Or Otherwise Pathetic

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   Mike Tyson trained Justin Bieber.......No Punchline needed there

   I think it's time for me to pick something to care about.

   If you're a female, I can understand if you don't watch football, if you're a man, you have an obligation to your why chromosome.

   2011- :( 1800- The muscles of my mouth are set downwards in an unamused manner.

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   settingcaptivesfree. com strongly recommend if your addicted to something.

   You know I might not be the best looking but back in the 80's my COMMUNITY voted me 2nd place and $10 in a beauty contest. However shortly after that by CHANCE I went straight to jail and didn't collect $200

   If we all start to talk to people than about people then this world would be a better place.

   i just hate it when I buy a loaf of bread with an odd number of slices. That last slice always seems to get neglected.

   I wish I could select all of your clothes and press Delete.

   Divas are fun and all, but do your best to keep them away from open flame. Their faces are highly susceptible to melting.

   #MANRULE men should NEVER ask "who's is it?"

   i just shot gunned a 22 ounce beer and followed it up with pedialyte... now my stomach hurts

   I'm not fat because I want to be.... rather, I think it's my best chance to land a skinny mate.

   Dr. Phil died. I mean... he's dead to me. Close enough.

   its been so windy lately, I think mother nature ate some bad Taco Bell.