Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig.

   I can't seem to find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day. choose wisely.

   The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.

   walking sideways and thinking..... I should have had a V8

   Oh Facebook! you go through more Design Changes than Women do wid clothes!!

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   dyslexics UNTIE!

   Are rectal thermometers filled with Freddie Mercury?

   I bet Obama is mad he had to put that suit back on!

   Yeah, keep complaining about the new Facebook. Unless you PAY FOR IT, I don't think any of us have the room to complain.

   Fri(END), Boyfri(END), Girlfri(END), Bestfri(END). Everything has an END except...Fam(ILY)! <3 Love and take care of eachother...

   Error 404: Jesus not found.

   hates what you're wearing

   There is not another human being on the planet, whose death will cause more celebration, than Donald Trump. When he drops dead, the planet will cheer in unison. Because he is human garbage.

   I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

   Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

   My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college. Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

   A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

   The worse name that trump has ever given to someone is Don jr.