Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   Never apologised for what you feel it's like saying sorrry 4 being real!

   One of the Chilean miner's wives is taking him on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector. The first question is... "Apart from the 32 she knows about have you had sexual contact with anyone else in the past 3 months !

   saying, i'm not moody, just don't want to talk to you every wed and fri..

   Does the ebonics alphabet contain the letter "D"? All I hear is, "My mom an' Dat." "I'm ok, I'm goot." "I like Chevy but I also like Fort."

   Every time at Subway they make you a bad sandwich, shove it in their mouth.

   Donald Trump public ally supports Bill O'Reilly. In other news, dozens of female White House staff change their mind about speaking out against sexual harassment. Kellyanne silently weeps while tiny fingers rub her thigh.

   Trump: I need to be on the power high when it comes to the business council. You guys can't quit on me! I'm quitting you by ending the council permanently. That'll show you to question my rac.ism!

   Ya! Trump says one thing will work when it comes to N. Korea. Bomb the deal out of them. I support that!

   The only reason Trump be me president is because your dumb a$$ didn't go vote so shut up!

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   Boo hoo! I'm so mad that I can't go out and mindlessly hang around some dive bar watching some crummy cover band butcher my 5 favorite songs from some 80' hair metal hacks!

   And his opponent, coming down the aisle, from Sheffield, Alabama, weighing 180 lbs, he is Moscow Mitch McConnell!

   2017 was not a total loss as I successfuly avoided listening to Despacito

   It's 2018 so that means the millennium is legal.

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   Daddy, when will our GP waiting time go down, now all the foreign doctors have gone home?

   I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?