Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   adding "euro" before any word immediately makes it sound g ay!

   After seeing the aftermath of the hurricane, we should change its name from Sandy to Watery.

   Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected.

   If Adele doesn't open a Sushi restaurant called "Rolling in the sea" then seriously, what's she even doing?

   If I ever say, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I'm talking about eating healthy food or doing exercise and sh*t.

   This status is dedicated to all the pretty girls and the ugly ones too cause to me your pretty anyway baby.

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   "Don't make me Chris Brown you, b!tch"

   It would be cool if getting Lou Gehrig's disease meant you became amazing at baseball.

   I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

   "Who's your wife?(:" "That b!tch over there....."

   23% of households today have a "new" roll of toilette paper sitting on the empty roll.

   Sometimes, it can be hard to let the cat out of the bag. Like if the bag was plastic and tied too tight, and the kitty is really sleepy now.

   Omg.. Why does Lady Gaga look like a skeleton.. Jesus! Its almost Christmas! B!tch is bout 2 months behind!

   666: Some see it as evil, I see it as 3 six-packs!

   She is bi-sexual. You have to buy her expensive stuff if you want to get sexual with her.

   I am going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, you can just tell them I'm outstanding

   God created the Orgasam so women could whine when they're happy too

   If we sacrifice Justine Beiber to Satan, it would bring world peace. . .

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!