Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' - Jesus flirting in a bar

   What's so appealing about the confederate flag? I just don't get it.

   asked Santa Claus for a boyfriend this Christmas... He gave me a rain check instead... lol :)

   Roses are red My love for you is twisted Bend over my darling You're gonna get fisted

   What's that you say? I can't hear you over my free health care and worldly education. Douchebags!

   she is too tired to be clever for her status.

   obama hears a hu

   what with all this god stuff, Stop it . Get a life you must be a myspace person.

   a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect

   Accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. Shestill isn't talking to me.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

   Oh man! I just heard Obama is coaching our team tonight.. Some public relations gimmick. He's giving the opposing team our quarterback, wide recievers and linebackers in the interest of spreading the wealth around.. :-/

   wants a sham wow

   Why is it that Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR?

   whistling a merry tune

   thought I saw a puddy cat!

   Christmas Card $3.00 Brand new "Shrek" dvd $20.00 Gift wrap $2.00 The look of disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real - PRICELESS !!!

   Turtles are like toasters, if you throw unicorns at them, Dishwasher.

   A little known fact from the Bible is that between his resurrection and his ascension into heaven, Jesus ate nothing but brains.

   People on the plane, rained mainly on Ukraine