Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   starting to think Brett Favre switched places with mother nature, the weather seems very indecisive lately........

   a bad relationship is like a broken mirror betta 2 throw it away instead of hurtin urself tryin 2 fix da pieces.

   breaking news! Suicidal twin kills sister by accident!

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   if you get enough maylasian airline frequent flyer miles you can trade them in for a tombstone

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   Sometimes I smoke weed just because I think it's what Jesus would've wanted.

   God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.

   The NFL has decided that the Washington Redskins do not have to travel to Dallas next weekend to play the Cowboys due to the fact that we already won the NFC east.

   Bill Cosby is funny. You might say he has a rapier wit.

   I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes

   For my birthday I asked jesus for a bike, but realized he didnt work like that. So I stole one and asked for forgivness.

   why do you fear & hate someone who apparently is a lazy pig? Is it because you live in a whole and wipe your ass with your hand while that lazy pig has a house and understands cleanliness & hygiene? Hmmm? Perhaps.

   When someone breaks your heart.... let God put the pieces together.

   .Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer.

   what do you do with 365 used condoms, melt them down and call it a goodyear...

   Being a doctor is exciting than being a dentist, because if someone gets sick or is having a baby on a plane.You can help them & be the hero. But if you're a dentist, I doubt this ever happens: OH GOD THIS PERSON HAS A CAVITY! IS ANYONE HERE A DENTIST!?

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"

   I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.