Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.

   For my birthday I asked jesus for a bike, but realized he didnt work like that. So I stole one and asked for forgivness.

   why do you fear & hate someone who apparently is a lazy pig? Is it because you live in a whole and wipe your ass with your hand while that lazy pig has a house and understands cleanliness & hygiene? Hmmm? Perhaps.

   When someone breaks your heart.... let God put the pieces together.

   .Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer.

   what do you do with 365 used condoms, melt them down and call it a goodyear...

   Being a doctor is exciting than being a dentist, because if someone gets sick or is having a baby on a plane.You can help them & be the hero. But if you're a dentist, I doubt this ever happens: OH GOD THIS PERSON HAS A CAVITY! IS ANYONE HERE A DENTIST!?

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"

   The only reason God gave women legs, is so they don't leave snail trails. . .

   I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.

   Why does a microwave beep multiple times. Don’t act like we aren’t waiting by it

   Melania's wax figure was revealed, and placed next to donalds. Their figures looks so real that even the Melania wax figure refuses to hold donald's hand.

   When a client's (djt) lawyer, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know their guilty.

   yes tebow is leaving . . . but that is not considered a medical reason . . unless everyone is dehydrated from crying so much

   handing out clean needles at the Betty Ford Clinic

   Heard on the news, while hunting for Easter eggs the kids found a body, can you imagine nexy year when mom says come on lets see what the Easter Bunny brought you. I Picture kids screaming and crying, hell I would peobaly never celebrate Easter agian.

   If your paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!

   the best part of you ran down your mothers leg

   It's 2011, you think we would have toothpaste the doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   just ate a Kit Kat and a multivitamin, like a F'n American!