Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   remember people...st patricks day means to wear green clothing....not to drink till you turn green in the face. dont go out drinking too much tonight

   To all the Hit Moms out there, Happy M.I.L.F. Day ;)

   "50 Shades of Ray" – A sexy tale of Ray Charles' battle with glaucoma and slow transition into blindness.

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   how come every time I change my password it still shows up as the same 8 stars in a row ******** ?

   In Texas, the words Texas & Taxes sound alike. This makes today confusing for them, I bet. I'm not concered, I already did my Texas.

   broke someone's heart and now he's paying for that!!! [So Sorry!]

   wondering if everyone has an unique Fart Scent.

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   starting to think Brett Favre switched places with mother nature, the weather seems very indecisive lately........

   a bad relationship is like a broken mirror betta 2 throw it away instead of hurtin urself tryin 2 fix da pieces.

   breaking news! Suicidal twin kills sister by accident!

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   if you get enough maylasian airline frequent flyer miles you can trade them in for a tombstone

   Sometimes I smoke weed just because I think it's what Jesus would've wanted.

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   Bill Cosby is funny. You might say he has a rapier wit.

   I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes

   The NFL has decided that the Washington Redskins do not have to travel to Dallas next weekend to play the Cowboys due to the fact that we already won the NFC east.