Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will no longer use Facebook as a vehicle for being a wise ass.I will use it to uplift,edify and educate,as it was intended.

   Imma have my own restaurant called Bacon On It....making foods you love with dun dun dun Bacon on it

   Nothing is worse than the silence after I say Hi-lo to a pretty girl...

   So Iran wants to make an Oil for Nukes deal with North Korea! The best deal is still the one Israel has with the USA....... Nukes for NOTHING !!!

   Huggie, Huggie, Huggie can’t you see, sometimes your words just piss off me…

   I swear some girls with big asses think they can get away with murder. You have a huge bass because your face is a car wreck, please behave yourself

   I be talking fast as hell at the gas station when I'm broke . . . lemmeget5on2

   Lance prolly lied about the whole Cancer thing just to cover his doping...

   if she has big boobs she just wants to here she has a nice smile... if she has small boobs she doesn't matter

   It's my birthday. Make me happy!

   Cop: Can you explain 2 me why you were doing 87 in a 60 zone? Me: I was haulin a$$ home to watch "Cops".

   A pizza delivery guy knocked on my door & said, "I have a pizza delivery for your next door neighbor but no one is answering the door!" I replied, "No worries they use my door as their backdoor..." and now I have a "Do not disturb" poster on my door.

   Just got news Danica Patrick was beaten by 7 men today in Daytona

   My girlfriend just admitted she’s wrong, I just ran to check the calendar to see if we both forgot my birthday.

   Happy labor day to those who actually have to work

   Paul Ryan joins older siblings, Rex and Rob, in attempt to lead dozens of grown men determined to undermine him.

   I just tried on my birthday suit. It is stretched out of shape an covered in hair.

   J ewish Santa is just like black Santa except one pinches pennies and the other pinches fat asses.

   This just in: North Korea has sent a fax to threaten Seoul 'mercilessly without notice.' Bet Seoul is really scared -- back in 1982.

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.