Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: Can you explain 2 me why you were doing 87 in a 60 zone? Me: I was haulin a$$ home to watch "Cops".

   A pizza delivery guy knocked on my door & said, "I have a pizza delivery for your next door neighbor but no one is answering the door!" I replied, "No worries they use my door as their backdoor..." and now I have a "Do not disturb" poster on my door.

   Just got news Danica Patrick was beaten by 7 men today in Daytona

   My girlfriend just admitted she’s wrong, I just ran to check the calendar to see if we both forgot my birthday.

   Happy labor day to those who actually have to work

   Paul Ryan joins older siblings, Rex and Rob, in attempt to lead dozens of grown men determined to undermine him.

   I just tried on my birthday suit. It is stretched out of shape an covered in hair.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.

   Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

   •*´¨`*•.¸¸¸.•*´¨`*• ¸.·´¯`·.¸¸><((((º>

   J ewish Santa is just like black Santa except one pinches pennies and the other pinches fat asses.

   This just in: North Korea has sent a fax to threaten Seoul 'mercilessly without notice.' Bet Seoul is really scared -- back in 1982.

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.

   Drinking is the leading cause of hangovers

   Give a man a fish and he'll ask you why you are trying to buy a box of donuts with a fish.

   Oh Lawd, this woman in Wal Mart has a box of tampns and bottle of Midol in her.....Please everyone stay out of her way!

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 5 baby seals. A new personal record.

   Vietnameese girl working at the parking lot at the olympics in Russia fired after tourist complained that all she said was "SOCHI SOCHI FIVE DOLLA'"

   I wanna make a t shirt with hitler swinging a baseball bat and FDR in umpire gear saying 3 Reichs you're out

   If you love someone set them free, if they don't come back hunt them down and beat the snot out of them.