Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hasn't done laundry in 5 months and isn't wearing any underwear right now, just a big sock. and I do mean a BIG sock.

   what did people used to do when they couldn't google the answers to their homework?

   Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.

   Sooner or later you will see the BIG PICTURE God is painting for your life instead of just the colors He's using at the moment so dont get your panties all up in a knot

   Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   When my girlfriend's football team wins it makes her horny, so I just keep replaying the one time they did. I'm not stupid.

   McDonalds should advertise their double drive thrus help people lose wait...

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   I hate the smell of Walmart when I walk in. It smells like old beer and subway. Merry Christmas everyone!

   Out with the Old, in with the New.......not you Honey.....I meant the year.....had enough of 2011......:)

   I heard an Old Guy exclaim, "This Country is going to H_LL in a Hand Basket !!!" I have to disagree !!! 1.) Can this Country Afford to Purchase a Hand Basket? 2.) If you go to the store they don't have them for sale.

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   Nothing excites me more than seeing my knife shine in the moonlight. Now I wait.

   I just cooked vegetables on my Foreman Grill....is that even legal....I feel dirty..

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   as now kim kardashian has decided to end her marriage, my earnest request to her to release her new se*tape to support last version and to keep going the process well.

   Give a Newt, Don't dispute.

   I hate ants but I love fire= Not a good combination for the ants.>:D

   "Is Kim Jong IL ? "No He's DEAD !!!

   swearing to myself at an elderly lady driving really slow. I guess someone heard me because within seconds bird crap landed on my windshield. Won't happen again, big guy