Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can never think of any changes or improvements to your essay until AFTER you print it out.

   standing outside with his pants down waiting for google earth to come take his picture.

   would avoid you like a redneck relative!!

   If it's consistency you're shooting for, it's pretty simple to disappoint all of the people all of the time.

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman.

   sitting on my bed wondering what the awful smell was.. then I realized my dog was right next to me.

   Santa must think my name is Cole.......

   very suspicious. didn't x-mas heppen about this time last year?

   I'm hearing Fight's breaking out over new pairs of Jordan's shoe at Mall's across the country. um...there's no punchline to this, just people getting punched in line!

   "stepping on a frog"just isnt that funny at Christmas dinner at the in-laws.

   Dear Ticker...seriously I dont wanna know each click of my friends ........what's this!!!

   I took up for you today, someone told me that you eat sh!t sandwiches. I said they was wrong because you dont eat bread.

   When you think your having a bad day remember you could be Amish.

   My dog can't seem to walk straight when we are out. He is gonna make look bad when I'm under the influence.

   Dear Google,Please Dont tempt me to watch the lunar eclipse online ... My Stars are against it :|

   a member of a LYNCH CLUB. Kind of like a LYNCH MOB but we're not like them.

   If he's truthful then I'm a one legged pirate......Does anyone see me with a parrot and a cracker??

   "Hey there, little fella!" -First words said by every guy finishing liposuction surgery.

   on a new diet.. eat what a caveman would eat... the "Paleo Diet".. I like it... but where do I find fresh dinosaur? :)

   I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.