Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days feel like abandon your life and join the French Foreign Legion kind of days.

   I wonder if the 3rd world countries have put in their 2013 Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup Champions yet!

   I'm kind of disappointed.. North isn't really a good name for a stripper.

   While on toilet seats ..... I am sure lot of marriages could have been saved ... If only they had invented a device which dries and wipes the toilet seat automatically after use

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   Wow, I cant believe it!!! Not one single post on my wall today about the world not ending.....said no Facebook user ever..

   Instagram... Where all guys think they relate to carl zeiss, and all girls are trying their best to look like total prostitues...

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   Wife yelled my first, middle and last name this morning! Not sure if it was the dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor, the unmade bed, the dirty clothes by the bed, or the dirty dishes . I think I had better go run errands.

   nature runs a restaurant called Karma. It's a place where there is no need to place any order. You are automatically served what you deserve.

   Keep calm and reject all Chefville invites

   It's going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We really hate corn."

   We had a good thing going until you made it real.

   Your girlfriend's existence is starting to piss me off.

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.

   I swear this dude is the type that stands in front of the mirror every morning and whisper "I'm Beautiful!" How much do you wanna bet he's wearing a pantyliner!

   I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours.

   ‎"Message Seen" in Facebook I'm is the absolute best way to weed out "Friends"

   If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.