Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh... Okay, not the choice I would have made - but game on! Let's see how bad it can really get... for science!

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   people with children should be allowed to do things while hiding from their children because children are mini terrorists.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   it bad that I want to mix cream liquor with my shakeology?

   I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.

   Ray = Zubin Dalal

   "Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.

   in order for ted cruz to clear his name for liking porn on twitter he should have to eat cake in front of everyone like that kid in matilda

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?