Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what I ever signed up for facebook, I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   I am not who you think I am. YOU, are who you think I am.

   One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...you judgmental fat bastard!

   Somewhat, I was waiting to see if suddenly M&M's Bananas would show up on stage!

   atleast there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction."

   With the current "obese" status of our nation, today should be called #FatterTuesday...

   easy but criticizing gently on it shows the mark of a sensible personality.

   I believe it was a German who said "an empty anus makes the most sound..."

   I'm not stupid enough to pay for phone sex. But my boss on the other hand....

   I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   What's happened with "Cover the Night" April 20 (world wide canvassing campaign for KONI 2012) ? I guess Jason Russell going to celebrate 4:20 another way.

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   Sometimes. I don't understand women. Other times. They are sleeping.

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Q: What is the standard # of ppl you can have being blocked on FB? I wanna block all my ex(s)!

   I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen.

   It's all fun and games until she starts putting the dots at the end of her messages, you then know you've said something wrong.