Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the current "obese" status of our nation, today should be called #FatterTuesday...

   easy but criticizing gently on it shows the mark of a sensible personality.

   I believe it was a German who said "an empty anus makes the most sound..."

   I'm not stupid enough to pay for phone sex. But my boss on the other hand....

   I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   What's happened with "Cover the Night" April 20 (world wide canvassing campaign for KONI 2012) ? I guess Jason Russell going to celebrate 4:20 another way.

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   Sometimes. I don't understand women. Other times. They are sleeping.

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Q: What is the standard # of ppl you can have being blocked on FB? I wanna block all my ex(s)!

   I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen.

   It's all fun and games until she starts putting the dots at the end of her messages, you then know you've said something wrong.

   Percentage of my texts that include the phrase "LOL" - 75% . Percentage of times I'm actually laughing out loud- 0.001%

   The awesome moment when your staple puller becomes a back scratcher and your leg starts shaking like a rabid dog~

   Getting up with a massive headache and in an Unknown apartment.. well I suppose I had a good start to new years.. Wish you all the same.. Happy New Year !!

   I think we should follow new people.

   that feeling of brotherhood when someone post the same status as you ,but know one like it cuz you posted it first

   As hard as DJ khaled trys I can never take him serious

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.