Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't blame you. I would spank me too.

   Since tomorrow is Earth Day I have decided to spend the day there and enjoy the celebrations

   I installed some software today and decided to actually read the terms and agreement. 45 minutes later I clicked Agree but still had no idea what I was agreeing to.

   The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.

   I've spent one day as a verified account on Facebook and I still haven't gotten laid.

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   If your grandma got run over by a reindeer, you may be entitled to compensation...Cal 1800 HURT HAHA!

   My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

   If you have a softball team and it's not called "All About that Base," well, what's the matter with you?

   Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?

   Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!

   After a lot of thought and research, last night I finally made a decision on my New Years Resolution.....going with 1080p

   I like using my speakerphone but hate how it literally spells everything I say exclamation point period

   Forgot we have to turn our clocks ahead today and was really confused how I spent an hour making my coffee this morning.

   I think I had coronavirus back in November. Same symptoms and they couldnt catalog it.

   Who would have thought.. the unemployed have become subject matter experts on staying home

   I'm much more conscious of my square usage these days.

   2000: I don’t want no scrubs 2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.