Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ou all have nothing to worry about, Zombies only eat people that have brains.....

   Look, I don’t even trust myself so explain to me why in the hell I should trust you?

   you've got to walk through the door of uncertainty in order to get your punishment or reward,depending on how you look at it....

   I wish I were Gilbert Gottfried. He made it big from his only defining talent. The ability to squint for an hour.

   I put the you in murder!

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, His name is BeeR

   I just thought of something. The expression, "That's so 15 minutes ago" is so 15 minutes ago.

   I don't blame you. I would spank me too.

   Since tomorrow is Earth Day I have decided to spend the day there and enjoy the celebrations

   I installed some software today and decided to actually read the terms and agreement. 45 minutes later I clicked Agree but still had no idea what I was agreeing to.

   The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.

   I've spent one day as a verified account on Facebook and I still haven't gotten laid.

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   If your grandma got run over by a reindeer, you may be entitled to compensation...Cal 1800 HURT HAHA!

   My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

   If you have a softball team and it's not called "All About that Base," well, what's the matter with you?

   Shouldn't women have a girlnecologist?

   Best Movie Line Ever: "Step forward, Tin Man! You dare come before me, you clanking, clattering, cantankerous collection of collagenous crap?!!"

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!