Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee. 
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.
I don't always hit women, but when I do....it's to smack it, flip it and rub it down.
“It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Another WASTED DAY that the kids could be using to make up a snow day and a day I could be getting some stuff done , but damn near everything is closed.
World Cup in Qatar? Does that mean 2024 Summer Olympics in Baghdad or Kabul?
Dear Auntie Em, "I Hate you and I hate Kansas, I'm leaving and I'm taking the dog.... Love Dorothy.
A good friend is like a computer. He ENTERS your life, SAVES you in his heart, FORMATS your problem, and never DELETES you from his MEMORY
you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you should never, under any circumstances, pick your friend's nose.
wondering who is gonna bring me my check now that Ed McMahan is gone ?
the coolest thing to hit the street since ice
Thinks your so fake..you make barbie look real!!!!!!
So my buddys status said "Standing on the edge of a cliff." So I poked him. I don't really like him that much.... yeah you know who you are.
Just had a friend post "Awesome day, Dry spell broken." and his MOM clicked the like button and he responds "MOM! WTH?" and then she asks "oops how do I UNclick it?" HAHAHA!!
just been sworn in as the "new" King of Pop.
saw Mike Tyson at the airport, I thought about going over to talk to him but I was concerned he would just take an earful and then leave.............
GOP SENATORS: Please stop asking us about treason so that we can work on a historically unpopular bill that will lead to thousands of deaths
He says he is against the use of mail in ballots for elections, but yet he used a mail in ballout to cast is vote in the Florida primary election.
White chicks will make themselves deep throatt the dikk, black chicks get to a certain limit like "I can't do this" 