Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Auntie Em, "I Hate you and I hate Kansas, I'm leaving and I'm taking the dog.... Love Dorothy.

   A good friend is like a computer. He ENTERS your life, SAVES you in his heart, FORMATS your problem, and never DELETES you from his MEMORY

   you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you should never, under any circumstances, pick your friend's nose.

   wondering who is gonna bring me my check now that Ed McMahan is gone ?

   the coolest thing to hit the street since ice

   Thinks your so fake..you make barbie look real!!!!!!

   So my buddys status said "Standing on the edge of a cliff." So I poked him. I don't really like him that much.... yeah you know who you are.

   Just had a friend post "Awesome day, Dry spell broken." and his MOM clicked the like button and he responds "MOM! WTH?" and then she asks "oops how do I UNclick it?" HAHAHA!!

   just been sworn in as the "new" King of Pop.

   saw Mike Tyson at the airport, I thought about going over to talk to him but I was concerned he would just take an earful and then leave.............

   GOP SENATORS: Please stop asking us about treason so that we can work on a historically unpopular bill that will lead to thousands of deaths

   He says he is against the use of mail in ballots for elections, but yet he used a mail in ballout to cast is vote in the Florida primary election.

   You don't OWN Facebook. Stop being a whining b*tch who can't accept a mere change. Do all your friends complain when you change the furniture around YOUR house...Deal with it. Its not your website.

   Religion is only for frighten children to obey old people.

   Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)

   White chicks will make themselves deep throatt the dikk, black chicks get to a certain limit like "I can't do this"

   heard that the new GW Bush book is a pop-up picture book. Makes sense actually, an author always wants to meet the demographic/target audience.

   I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

   refuses to get his pizza from Pappa Johns anymore after finding out what he did to Mackenzie Phllips

   My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out