Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.

   put a clock in the freezer with the attempt to freeze time. Attempt FAILED! Ughh...

   So Microsoft buys out Nokia, exactly what is supposed to happen when a dinosaur buys a neanderthal?

   Hey baby you say you like it deep, hail Mary

   Rihanna isn't the prettiest girl around but I'd hit it...

   OREOS: First you twist it, then you....oh, it broke : (

   Why doesn't The Bible explain why a man's G-spot is in his butthole?

   Freckles are marks for every time you disappoint Jesus

   opening cerimonies=epic fail...they should have got larry the cableguy.

   The Surgeon General has declared that cigarettes can harm your children....... Fair enough. I'll start using an ashtray!

   Regaining my trust takes a long time. Like building a house or pleasing a fat woman.

   Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmlnig snetneces.

   balloons are so weird. "happy birthday, here's a rubber sack of my breath."

   Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub.

   The whole idea of april 20th puzzles me.. hitlers brithday? the columbine high school shootings? why celebrate tragedy? so many questions, so many questions

   Woman are born to be the best liars and (man)ipulate you through their sympathy strategies

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   Thinking about making fish flavored breath mints to tackle the lesbian market.

   Friend: Who r you going for in the Superbowl? Me: Um, the Superbowl was last weekend. Friend: Ya, but isn't there several? Me: No dude, there's only one.....i think your thinking of baseball...

   you make me feel like I can touch the planets, you want the moon girl, watch me grab it!