Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fair is fair but sometimes unfair is still kinda fair comparatively.

   I just saved a bunch of money on an anniversary gift, by having my GF break up with me

   Whatever happens, Never agree to teach a girl how to ride a bike with her father watching..

   just discovered an addictive app, see y'all in 2015

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   I went to the movies yesterday and afterwards went to the bathroom. In the stall next to me, some mom was telling her daughter, "Do you need to go tinkle tinkle little star?" And then she made lots of peeing noises. I just left the bathroom as fast as I c

   Evidently I was the designated drinker tonight. I rode on a Harley to the party, but I arrived home in a Subaru.

   I wish I was in the X-Men so I could always look at Wolverine before a fight and say, "How are we gonna claw our way outta this one?"

   Bro Tip: Wink at the cute lady on the elevator and push the 6 and 9 buttons over and over until she gives in.

   If there is one thing life has taught me, it's humility. In fact, I daresay there is no one on this planet more humble than me.

   If someone tells you that they have "crazy eyes" when you ask what color they are. you better believe they are extremely cross eyed or they look like they are coming out of socket!

   Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

   well I think its time to do the things I have always wanted to to before judgement day October 21 lmao not again!!!!!

   I have a six pack. yep. six pack of crayons

   I go on Facebook cause of habit, not for something to do...

   Wow...Im sittin at work watchin the snow fall... Its friggin October! Mother Nature must of finally hit menopause.. That fridgid b!tch made it snow!! Bring fall back!!!

   I think I weigh, I don't know...74317.965555 pats of butter.

   Happy Halloween. You don't need a costume, your face is scary enough as is.

   accidentally touched a woman's backside so she gave me a look and said "Prick", so I poked her!

   Young souls, when Adults say "Stay away from drugs", what they mean is stay away from Their drugs.