Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone tells you that they have "crazy eyes" when you ask what color they are. you better believe they are extremely cross eyed or they look like they are coming out of socket!

   Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

   well I think its time to do the things I have always wanted to to before judgement day October 21 lmao not again!!!!!

   I have a six pack. yep. six pack of crayons

   I go on Facebook cause of habit, not for something to do...

   Wow...Im sittin at work watchin the snow fall... Its friggin October! Mother Nature must of finally hit menopause.. That fridgid b!tch made it snow!! Bring fall back!!!

   I think I weigh, I don't know...74317.965555 pats of butter.

   Happy Halloween. You don't need a costume, your face is scary enough as is.

   accidentally touched a woman's backside so she gave me a look and said "Prick", so I poked her!

   Young souls, when Adults say "Stay away from drugs", what they mean is stay away from Their drugs.

   confusion spawns from not being honest with yourself and true to your own feelings. Now get your head out of your ass!

   Getting a lot of nice things said to me lately. I don't believe a word of it.

   zombies can't smell vampires...

   I am tying the legs together keeps the inside moist...

   I never worry about a girlfriend cheating,.. It's how much bigger there boyfriend might be that scares me."

   the moment when you realize that you've been singing the wrong words to a song usually happens when everyone is singing aloud in a car. kills the song and the moment.

   It's taken me this long to realize "Eurozone Crisis" wasn't referring to a woman's underarm area.

   When you're in the car alone everyone outside is a serial killer.

   V@gina is my weapon of choice.

   I don't like the way water looks at me. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.