Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like I like my peanut butter... chunky.

   Undertakers have announced that now michael Jackson has died he's gonna be melted down to make toys, so the kids can play with him for a change!

   When the Beatles said they were "bigger than Jesus" they were right. 'Cause people were way shorter back then in Jesus times

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants. : )

   Man kneeling by the bed, Wife says,"What are you praying for? " Husband says: "Guidance. " Wife says, "Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the damn thing myself!"

   My factory job was shipped to China, my new job can't pay the Bill's, I can't afford college and my current government blocked my healthcare. But I always vote for Trump so everyone gets a gun. That's important to me!

   Has anyone ever noticed the & symbol looks like a man dragging his a$$ across the floor?

   Rent prices have got people staying in relationships that ended years ago

   Christianity is a complete waste of time and resources.

   In many cases, dogs aren't always man's best friend. They're one man's best friend. They're usually everyone else's enemy.

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people

   writing a list and checking it twice

   Growing up,,, My daughter always wanted to be a "Disney" princess,,,,, : Darth Vader

   After taking LSD last night I hallucinated that I was a very well educated giant. And they say taking drugs doesn't make you big or clever.

   Nothing wrong with borrowing a girl's virginity, you just kiss her on the forehead after and she gets it back.

   No no I like you, just not you can touch my phone like you.

   I respect every woman's decision to undergo plastic surgery to go from being ugly to being ugly and disgusting.

   If you're always gossiping and lying, you're a power seeker.

   Since the day b4 Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the yr & it's called "black Friday" & the day b4 Thanksgiving is the biggest bar nite of the yr I'm declaring it "black out Wednesday"

   ladies, don't fall for all those Sears commercials. We don't want that s hit...